life as i knew it yesterday.

man. holy crap. yesterday was a bad one, to put it mildly.

so have you ever wondered what a full-blown panic attack feels like? well, i'll tell you.

ever been tied to railroad tracks only to realize a train is speeding towards you, with no signs of stopping?

or...

ridden on an especially turbulent flight?

here's a good one...

how about when you were in third grade and cheated on that test. 'member when the teacher's aide knocked on the door of your classroom, shot you a sorrowful look, then handed Mrs. McCracken a note? and the way your palms (and entire body, for that matter) went from sweating to freezing to sweating again in the span of about 3.4 seconds? 'member the interminable trek to the principal's office and the inexorable feeling of impending doom that weighed down your little self as you trudged slowly but surely toward the man who held your very fate in his hands?

it's sorta like that, only about 5 million times worse.

oh, and add to that the very certainty that at any moment, you will not only become unconscious, but never wake up.

pretty dreadful.

i'm not sure yet why this is the soundtrack of my life right now, but one thing is clear - someone's out to get me, and they're not nice - oh, far from it. see, as sure as i am about the existence of God and that he is made of Love and Forgiveness and Honesty and Passion and Grace, i also subscribe to the somewhat unpopular belief that the devil is alive and real and not a whimsical scarlet creature who makes random appearances on the shoulder of sitcom characters for comedic purposes only.

i can't give any other explanation for why such an experience would exist - one which is capable of utterly convincing a human being that they will surely pass into another world if they allow themselves to, well, pass out.

i'm sure there are many other opinions and you're entitled to any one of them. i can certainly attest to the fact that panic attacks are not only psychological but also very physiological experiences and have been widely studied, verified, etc. scientifically speaking. yeah, i get that. i also get that these days, for some reason, there's a dude out there (in here) who is hell-bent on taking me down, blurring my focus, sealing my lens with the black cap of hopelessness....

and it's rough going when you can't see very well. forget the bruises from knocking around in the dark....it's really more the frustration of not being able to find that sliver of light, that long vertical crack that gives you a goal to move for, gives you the motivation, the mobility necessary to get yourself out of that room full of, well, crap.

you've seen glimpses into my other days (and if you haven't, feel free to scroll down). it's not like this 24/7. thank God, quite literally. and it is therapeutic (for me, if not for you - sorry!) to account for the journey in this way...i am thankful for that, for the ability and willingness i've been graced with to put my experiences into words on a screen, therefore minimally exorcising them from my head.

so i feel a little lighter, now. and two little bundles wake up from dozing soon, which is a source of great HOPE and love and joy for me. so i suppose i am To Be Continued. very likely, knowing my oppositional nature, my next offering for you will contain some sort of photo involving crossed eyes, pudgy toes or the beauty of kelly green grass after rain. let's hope...

saturday antics (girls only)

here's how our weekend is shaping up so far....




-An Unabashedly Childlike Woman

the youngest two of "and co."

A picture...

is worth....

....all the ridiculous dancing, hand gestures, and idiotic facial expressions it took to get there.

-A Chagrined (did I mean to say Changed?) Woman

moms are so great because....

***** disclaimer: this is about to get pretty sappy. turn away now if you abhor all things cheesy. you've officially been warned. *****

moms are so great because....

- whenever they come over to baby-sit, they somehow find 12 minutes or so to wash all of your dishes. even when some of them look like this:

-if you ever (not that i ever would) happen to make a teensy, tiny, complaint involving your husband and the un-taken-out trash, they don't hold it against you. or him. forever at least.

-when you call them over at 3 AM for an emergency trip to the hospital (read: false labor) only to return a couple of hours later with half an ambien, they don't complain even though they may not even get back to sleep at all for the night.

-when you are going through The Worst Situation in your life, they don't fix it. they let God.

-they let you pay them back for a loan at the ridiculous rate of $5 a month.

-they teach your kid hymns like "trust and obey" and "holy, holy, holy". even if you hated singing them as a kid....and now have them repeated daily by your toddler....in a few octaves above the highest octave known to man.

-they are safe.

-they are patient.

-they discourage your gossiping.

-they make the best meatloaf ever and give you the recipe.

-they didn't give up on you even when your words to them were far less than kind.

-they didn't give up on you even when you failed miserably at college, thus wasting a sizable chunk of their money.

-they didn't give up on you.

-while puttering around the house cleaning things, or whipping up a batch of brownies, or waking up at 5 AM every day for quiet time w/ God, or not letting you get away with saying that a-word, or arguing behind closed doors, or spending SO MUCH TIME not getting divorced....they taught you a few little things about how to be a mom to your own children.

-Changed Woman

orange for stellan

so.......this baby whose heart i can't get off of my brain....i've got the whole family in on praying for him. i think i'm so touched partly b/c he is just about the same age as our baby r. and, well, i've just got this weird sympathy for strangers thing going on.

either way.

today was stellan's risky surgery - a heart ablation on an infant. i just found out about an hour ago that he made it through (whew!) but not sure on other details just yet.

to catch up on stellan's story: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

p.s. why the orange theme? his "mckmama" asked that anyone praying for/thinking of stellan today e-mail her pictures of themselves incorporating orange. i think maybe just 'cuz stellan looks good in it ;-).

-Changed Woman

two for the price of one

i just could not resist sharing this bit before my ADD-riddled mind loses it somewhere, forever, in the abyss of, well, every wayward runaway tangent of thought that couldn't possibly hang out for just one more second in my already crowded brain.

*sigh*!

so, parent-teacher conferences were this past week for miss e's pre-school. parent-teacher conferences. hee hee. i'm a parent. and i get to go. and i'm not the one getting all the "could use improvement" or "enormous potential but needs to focus better"s. ah. i knew i'd be on the other side one day.

at this point it's really mostly fun and games (isn't that what being 3 1/2 is all about?) but miss e's teachers definitely do take their roles seriously and i give them credit not only for their commitment to {keep these kids alive} i mean manage to teach life and social skills and rudimentary academic studies to a small army of tasmanian devils but to do it all while ACTING LIKE THEY ARE HAVING FUN. wow. that's an accomplishment. personally, what i give them kudos for (and miss e's two lovely lady teachers in particular, miss b and miss t) is the one on one attention e gets while she is there, as evidenced in a handwritten note i was given during my aforementioned conference. i will likely end the post with it, as i think it just so adequately and somewhat concisely encompasses the whimsical nature freedom of speech can take on when related between two toddlers, in a playhouse.

child: "you need plates for the food."
e: "yeah, for the party."
child: "OK. here's some hot dogs."
e: "here's Scooby Doo. he's wonderful."
child: "yeah, we already have a cat."

Say wha?

-Changed Woman

A little light-hearted fare after yesterday's Five Course Meal

oh, you know i could not resist the proverbial infant tub shot, could i??

at least he's semi-decent.

hope you're all having a relaxing evening. mine will most likely involve Chocolate in some fashion, catching up on american idol and the office, and washing baby bottles. husband's will include assimilating a long-coveted star wars lego set.

*sigh*