life as i knew it yesterday.

man. holy crap. yesterday was a bad one, to put it mildly.

so have you ever wondered what a full-blown panic attack feels like? well, i'll tell you.

ever been tied to railroad tracks only to realize a train is speeding towards you, with no signs of stopping?

or...

ridden on an especially turbulent flight?

here's a good one...

how about when you were in third grade and cheated on that test. 'member when the teacher's aide knocked on the door of your classroom, shot you a sorrowful look, then handed Mrs. McCracken a note? and the way your palms (and entire body, for that matter) went from sweating to freezing to sweating again in the span of about 3.4 seconds? 'member the interminable trek to the principal's office and the inexorable feeling of impending doom that weighed down your little self as you trudged slowly but surely toward the man who held your very fate in his hands?

it's sorta like that, only about 5 million times worse.

oh, and add to that the very certainty that at any moment, you will not only become unconscious, but never wake up.

pretty dreadful.

i'm not sure yet why this is the soundtrack of my life right now, but one thing is clear - someone's out to get me, and they're not nice - oh, far from it. see, as sure as i am about the existence of God and that he is made of Love and Forgiveness and Honesty and Passion and Grace, i also subscribe to the somewhat unpopular belief that the devil is alive and real and not a whimsical scarlet creature who makes random appearances on the shoulder of sitcom characters for comedic purposes only.

i can't give any other explanation for why such an experience would exist - one which is capable of utterly convincing a human being that they will surely pass into another world if they allow themselves to, well, pass out.

i'm sure there are many other opinions and you're entitled to any one of them. i can certainly attest to the fact that panic attacks are not only psychological but also very physiological experiences and have been widely studied, verified, etc. scientifically speaking. yeah, i get that. i also get that these days, for some reason, there's a dude out there (in here) who is hell-bent on taking me down, blurring my focus, sealing my lens with the black cap of hopelessness....

and it's rough going when you can't see very well. forget the bruises from knocking around in the dark....it's really more the frustration of not being able to find that sliver of light, that long vertical crack that gives you a goal to move for, gives you the motivation, the mobility necessary to get yourself out of that room full of, well, crap.

you've seen glimpses into my other days (and if you haven't, feel free to scroll down). it's not like this 24/7. thank God, quite literally. and it is therapeutic (for me, if not for you - sorry!) to account for the journey in this way...i am thankful for that, for the ability and willingness i've been graced with to put my experiences into words on a screen, therefore minimally exorcising them from my head.

so i feel a little lighter, now. and two little bundles wake up from dozing soon, which is a source of great HOPE and love and joy for me. so i suppose i am To Be Continued. very likely, knowing my oppositional nature, my next offering for you will contain some sort of photo involving crossed eyes, pudgy toes or the beauty of kelly green grass after rain. let's hope...